Something to Ponder

H and I and the kids are going camping tomorrow for a week.  I won’t be getting any spankings under the circumstances (and hope I don’t earn myself any while I’m away!).  I will miss our maintenance spankings, though.  We will just have some catching up to do when we return.

So my question for you all is — what feeling(s) does this photo conjure up in you?  Positive?  Negative?

Perhaps a little imagination is in order as we wonder what landed this poor lady over her guy’s knee…………..Hmmm……could be any number of reasons!

Hope you have some fun with it — I’ll be back next week  🙂

Hugs,

Anna

Advertisements

Stormy’s ABC Challenge

 

 

Image

 

 

I know I’m late to the game, but I love to play games, so here’s mine!  H played along, too.  It was fun hearing his responses (he did not know what I’d written first).  The first words following the letters are mine.  Thanks, Stormy — you got us all thinking  🙂

 

A       authority     (H) amicable              

B       butt            (H) banter                     

C       communicating  (H)  clandestine 

D       disobedient   (H) dominating        

E        energized   (H)  enlightened           

F        fair    (H)   fulfilled                           

G       grateful      (H) giving

H       harmony    (H)  HOH

I         insight        (H) implement

J        just             (H) juxtaposition

K       kick   (H)  kiss

L        loving         (H) latitude

M      masculine  (H)  metamorphosis

N       naughty     (H) nick

O       over the knee     (H)  ongoing

P       paddle        (H) pliable

Q       quiver        (H) quelch

R       respectful  (H)  respect

S        submissive   (H) spanko

T        trust           (H)  thankful

U  understanding (H)undeniable

V       viable   (H)  vested

W      willing   (H)  willing

X       I can’t think of one!  (H) xygo

Y        yield  (H)  yielding

Z        zing   (H)  zen

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3…..

I was having trouble figuring out how to make a reference link in a post.  I couldn’t even find where the instructions were!  (Have I mentioned how technologically UNsavvy I am?)

Ana of governingana recently asked me if I minded if she made a reference to something I said in one of my posts.  I told her I was honored and wished I knew how to do that myself.  No sooner did I click ‘Publish comment’ when I discovered that Ana very kindly and graciously sent me clear and thorough directions on how to go about it.

This is my first foray into trying it out.  If I do this right, you’ll be able to click on Ana’s blog right up in the second paragraph and be taken to her wonderful site.

OK, here goes……..keeping my fingers crossed!

Would somebody please try it out and let me know if it works?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doing My Part

So I’ve been doing all this good reading on the blogs here and am coming away with much food for thought.  I relate to many of you as you share your stories and experiences, and, while I’m grateful for having made some nice strides and progress, I see that there is room for much more growth on my part as a submissive wife to my wonderful husband.

I keep asking myself what more I can be doing to contribute to the success of this lifestyle we call TTWD.  H has been stepping up to the plate and being much more consistent, which makes me feel much more secure.  He is remembering our twice weekly maintenance sessions without reminders.

One thing I’m puzzled about is the fact that I don’t cry during or after a spanking.  They can (and do) hurt like hell sometimes, but they never make me cry.  Much has been said about a woman’s emotional state during these times and the fact that it has every bit as much to do with whether or not she cries as the physical pain she feels during a spanking.

Even when I’ve been in a good frame of mind for a spanking and have not fought it (or H), I find that all I seem to be doing is struggling (inwardly, if not outwardly) to get through it.  I have yelled out from the sharp sting or thwap and have felt I could not endure another moment, but I have yet to cry.  I actually want to cry, odd as that may sound.  I want to be humbled enough to do that, but it just doesn’t seem to surface; in fact, I don’t even feel choked up or teary eyed.  I’m guessing that’s my pride?  Yet even when I’m not being defiant or having a bad attitude, I still don’t get anywhere near crying.  I read about the emotional release everyone says they get as a result of being spanked to tears, and well…….I’m jealous.

I am taking some steps, though, to help myself along.  Last night, in anticipation of a maintenance spanking we were looking forward to, I asked H to go longer and take me past my ‘limit’.  Actually, I wrote him a note about it, as I wanted to share some other things with him and found it hard to do so verbally.  It was tough for me to even write down that I was feeling somewhat anxious and restless for no apparent reason and felt I needed a reset.  I said that I just wanted to lay across his lap and not say anything (a first for me!).  I can’t believe I told him I was looking forward to my spanking.  I had a hard time just telling him I wrote him a note!  I felt both uneasy and hopeful about his reading it.  Talk about humility……

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little more background:  I was married once before, for over 20 years, to a man who suffered from mental illness (that we would only learn about toward the end of our marriage) and although he was often very loving and nurturing, he was just as often verbally and emotionally abusive — to me and our biological children.  I learned early on that I needed to be strong — tough, really, in order to deal with it all and keep everyone safe.

H is the total opposite of my first husband.  He is strong and steady with a calm exterior and great inner strength.  With him I’m learning what it is to slow down, relax, and just be.  I am learning to exhale.

H was very attentive and focused last night.  He did spank harder and longer, and I was surprised that I tolerated it as well as I did.  I’m still confused, though, because I came nowhere near shedding any tears.  Well, maybe that’s not entirely true.  We talked afterward about several things.  He asked me if I felt reset, and I said, “I think so.”  I shared some concerns that were weighing on me about the kids and the long road they have ahead of them in their journey of recovery and healing.  Tears welled up in my eyes quite readily as I told him of the sense of helplessness I was feeling.  We’re doing all we can and are getting them the best help available, and we’re people of faith who know that God is in control, but the reality is that it will take time,  possibly a very long time, for them to heal from their earliest years in their biological home.

As my life is getting better, and believe me, it is so much better than it has ever been, I find there are some things beneath the surface that are stirring.  Things I can’t always identify except to say that I’m anxious and restless at times and I don’t know why.  I believe, though, as uncomfortable as it is, it is a good thing.

Being in this dynamic has enabled H and me to grow even closer than we were before.  Our trust in each other is deeper than ever and we’re experiencing a new level of transparency as one by one, we shed our ‘protective’ layers and lay down our defense mechanisms.  We are on the same team, and we have each other’s backs.

 

 

HOH Goes Techno

“Darling, I have an idea that I believe will help me remember to follow up on some of the things you’ve been talking about.  I can’t believe I haven’t thought of it before.”

“Really?  What is it?”

“Well, I like using the IPad for a variety of things, and it just hit me that I can list the things I want you to do each day on it.  Then, in the evening after the kids go to bed, we’ll go over it together to see what you’ve gotten done.”

“That IS a good idea, Honey!  Do you think you can include our maintenance spankings on the list?” (We had decided on two maintenance spankings a week on Sundays and Thursdays, and consistency with those had been a challenge.)

“Yes, I plan to do that.”

I was so happy to hear this.  I should give you a little background so you can get an idea of why it is not easy (for either of us) to remember certain things each day, as we have young adopted children with a variety of special needs.  These needs include psychological services and multiple Special Education meetings, to name a few.   Our kiddos have a host of issues stemming from the time spent in their biological homes before they were adopted.  Two are on the autism spectrum and have intellectual disabilities, and three of them have severe emotional problems that include reactive attachment disorder and PTSD.  Our days involve non-stop management of them when they are at home.  Close supervision is needed at all times.  On any given day the unexpected can and does happen.  Just gathering our thoughts is a daily challenge!

The need to put out ‘fires’ throughout the day often leaves  H and me  physically and emotionally drained and exhausted, and I have thought on several occasions that perhaps it is just not realistic to think that we can pull TTWD off.  Maybe it’s asking too much of H to have to tend to me, too,  and rein me in when necessary.  Maybe it is too much work given all he has to handle.  I totally get it.  I have thought that I couldn’t fault him at all if that were the case, because he is only human, after all.  I did bring these thoughts to him and he was very clear that he did not want us to lose this dynamic.  He recounted the many benefits we’ve derived from it and said that he does not want to go back to the way things were before.  I felt relieved.

So here is a sample from my daily task list (which varies according to what H assigns each day), along with a “note” from the Notepad feature as well.  “WW” stands for Weight Watchers.  I had asked for H’s help in keeping me accountable to record what I’ve eaten each day in my tracker.

Maintenance tonight

Record WW points

Put away 1 basket of laundry

Wipe down bathroom walls

Supper by 6:15

These are in addition to my regular chores.  I am to check the IPad each morning after my first cup of tea (H knows how important that cup of tea is in helping me wake up and start my day!).  One morning, after checking my list, I went into another program for a while.  All of a sudden, messages began appearing on the screen reminding me, one by one, of each thing on the list.  Geesh — I was looking at Facebook!

Seemed a little intrusive, you know?  But it did get the point across.

Now I’m just wondering if there’s a way H can use this whole process to spank me — YEAH, a virtual spanking — THAT’S IT — I know could handle that:-)

I Scream, You Scream……..

………We all scream for

There it is, in all its scrumptious yumminess.  A twist of vanilla and chocolate ice cream.

I’ve been thinking lately how our lives here in TTWD are a lot like that ice cream cone.  We say we’re not vanilla anymore, but how realistic is that, really?  OK, of course we’re not TOTALLY vanilla, anymore (and the ratio of vanilla to chocolate varies with each couple), but there are many normal, average, sweet, nice vanilla things about our lives that don’t vanish just because we’ve embraced our Dd lifestyle.

Sometimes I’ll come across a particular post that, as the blogger prefaces, may not be about spanking or anything necessarily Dd.  A lot of these prefaces, while well meaning and nice, tend to come across as apologies, because they don’t want to disappoint any readers who may be looking for something spanking related.

Spanking is great (or NOT, depending on whose opinion you ask!), of course; however I’m reminded when I read these interesting stories that it is but a tool — a very important and useful tool, to be sure, but just a tool.

I love when I read where a blogger just wants to share something wonderful or nice her husband did for her, and how it melts her heart.  It always makes me smile and recall my own  nice memories of some thoughtful and/or wonderful things H has done for me.

One is from this past Sunday.  While we were sitting in church, H leaned over and whispered in my ear.

“Thank you for getting everything tidied up so nicely this morning.”

That one little sentence warmed my heart and made me appreciate H even more.  Yes, he had assigned me that task and I was expected to do it, but H didn’t forget to show his appreciation, and that meant the world to me.  We can still say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to each other whether on the giving or receiving end.  It shows mutual respect, which, I think, is so important.

So, I just wanted to share that tidbit with you, as it was a real bright spot in my day.   So please keep those stories coming, both chocolate AND vanilla!

Fifty Shades of Disobedience

Judging by some very interesting and thought-provoking posts I’ve come across in my travels recently, there seems to be a bit of a buzz around blogland lately that has to do with that all-too-familiar D word.  You know, the one that takes us from the sweet submissive gals we are one moment, happily doing everything our HOHs tell us to do with nary a complaint and not even as much as a facial skirmish, to a flagrant imp the next.  Don’t know what I’m talking about?  This post isn’t for you, then.  Maybe you can write a post about how you managed to master the art of submission.  Believe me, I will be reading with rapt attention!

Although the circumstances are different for everyone, the common thread seems to be that no matter how hard we try (and try, try, try we do), at one point or another, and for a variety of reasons, the temptation to throw caution to the wind and disobey our HOHs becomes too much for us to bear, and we succumb.  The ways in which we go about succumbing are numerous, depending on each situation and personality.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this lately, mainly because it is one of the things H has told me will earn me a severe discipline spanking — ranking right up there with disrespect. I delved deeper as I thought about that one word, slowly churning it over and over in my mind.

 

 

Image

 

 

Black and white, or shades of gray?  I mean, there is certainly a variety of scenarios in which we  find ourselves faced with the choice to obey or disobey.

What if I disobey, but not defiantly?  You know, like if I intend to do the thing but then choose to do something else first with the thought of returning to it later on — and then genuinely forget?  I guess knowing that I’m prone to this should tell me that I need to prioritize better so it won’t be likely to happen.  In this scenario, I would still be responsible for not making the right choice, which would lead to said directive not getting done.

Maybe one day I’m feeling out of sorts and testy (MAYBE?)  I should know where disobedience will land me but I take my chances anyway, foolish woman that I am.

What about those times when  H is in a lighthearted, good mood and perhaps wouldn’t mind too much if what he asked me to do didn’t get done that day?  Maybe I could ask for an extension?  Especially if I ask in my cutesy, playful voice?  I mean, that’s totally different from adamantly refusing to do something, is it not?  The tricky part here is that when I do this, I’m also testing him, even if I’m not fully conscious of it at the time.

Then there’s the out-and-out, no holds-barred kind of disobedience that usually stems from pride, defiance, and rebellion.  This, undoubtedly, is a BIGGIE.  This is when I go beyond simple disobedience and become all fired up and insolent, something H cannot stand, the kind in which the voice in my head (which some describe as their troublemaking alter ego) goads me on.  We high five each other and start struttin’ our stuff.  When I reach this point, I am in the land of No Return.

This doesn’t feel so bad, after all; in fact, it feels pretty darn GOOD.  Just who does he think he is, anyway?  I am Woman, hear me roar!!

Um………not good.  Not good at all.  This is when all logic flies out the window because I’m feeling so feisty and LIKING it.  The place where the rubber meets the road.  H tells me there will be a discipline and my ole pal, Pride, (who’s really no friend at all), thinks of something flippant and/or sassy for me to say or do, which is most often accompanied by a certain look on my face (or so I’ve been told).

Since we have kids at home, discipline usually has to wait until after they’ve gone to bed.  I begin thinking about the upcoming evening and that old familiar sense of dread comes over me.  By the time H comes to get me, reality has gotten a hold of me. 

What was I thinking?  What is WRONG with me?

This gives way to out-and out fear by the time I  get anywhere near his knee.

In any given day there are countless things that run through our minds, influencing our thoughts and behaviors.   One of the many benefits of TTWD is that, if we are truly serious about making the necessary changes in our lives that will lead to a harmonious marriage/relationship with our HOHs, we begin to see things in ourselves that we may have been previously blind or oblivious to, or in some cases, simply careless or thoughtless about.

Some are so obvious and blatant that we know enough to simply dismiss them and carry on.  Others, however, are  more subtle and insidious in their ramblings, weaving their way to and fro beneath the surface of our minds and hearts.  By the time we even realize it, it’s usually too late.  At the end of the day, disobedience is disobedience, whatever color it is.  I think it’s time for me to stop splitting hairs over it.

The process of learning to trust our HOHs enough to risk being exposed and vulnerable is not an easy one, but the reward that awaits is priceless.  Each of us must go through it individually and as a couple.  We don’t always look like that awesome couple we read about over at that Perfect Blog (or so our minds fool us into thinking).  When we stop comparing ourselves to others (not to be confused with being open to learning from others) and focus instead on finding our way together, it brings us so much closer to each other and gives us hope.  The good news is there really is a new direction we can take, not just one we dream about.  We do not have to go down the same road anymore.

Anonymous Transparency

Image

Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?  This is what we Dd bloggers are.  Well, at least what I believe many of us strive to be.  Of course, none of us has any idea who among us in blogland is genuine and authentic.  We can certainly choose to exhibit any persona of our choosing behind the keyboard if we so desire.  It is important to me that, even though you don’t know my real identity, I come across in a way that is truly reflective of who I am.  I always want to make sure I portray H and our marriage accurately, as well, which is why I ask him to read my posts.  I never want anyone to get the wrong idea about my husband because I am so upset and just decide to vent, so I try my best to write from a perspective that incIudes his thoughts and feelings, as well.  I’m sure many of you feel the same way.  How do I know this?  From the way you write with such depth, thoughtfulness, and insight.

You and I wouldn’t know each other if we literally ran into each other.  Yet we so carefully and thoughtfully take the time to share our journeys with each other and offer words of genuine support and encouragement during times of both joy and pain/difficulty.  So many times we don’t want to share the difficult times because we think we’re failing miserably; yet when we do, we find we are not alone.  It can be so cathartic, you know?  I learn so much from reading others’ blogs.  Their stories encourage me.  I can think of at least two bloggers I wish I could meet in person because I feel such a strong connection to them.  How can this be?

I don’t know who you are, but you have shown me your heart — you have chosen to be vulnerable enough to let me see the good, the bad, and the ugly.  And we grow from it.  Although our true identities are not revealed, it still takes courage to share our experiences, thoughts, joys, and sorrows.

This community is a plethora of information and ideas for H and me.  Thank you all for sharing of yourselves the way you do, and in so doing, encouraging me to do the same.  I am blessed  🙂

Implementing the Implement

 

 

 

 

In my last post I talked about how hard it is for me to deal with the pain of a discipline spanking.  That, along with having recently read a few blog posts where the women said things about loving the swatting, naming some of their favorite implements, and not wanting the spanking to stop, left me wondering and musing.

 

I guess I have much to learn about the relationship between pain and pleasure.  So I pose these questions in the hope that I can learn from others’ perspectives.

When your man (or you) gets a new implement, do you ‘try it out’ (a la maintenance)?  Does he go lightly with it at first and then get right down to business?

I’d really love to hear from everyone if they have a ‘favorite’ implement, most hated implement, and the reasons why.

What are others’ thoughts on pain?  If you are one who had to struggle to master the ability to accept a punishment spanking well, how did you do it?

Do you love to be spanked hard or do you hate it?  In other words, are you a Spanko or Spank-no?  ( to coin Stormy’s term).

Are there any mental exercises that help to get through a discipline spanking?

And lastly, what does it feel like to be spanked with a belt?  I’ve been curious about that one for a while.

 

 

 

 

Let It Happen

I’ve been thinking about something H said to me the other night during a conversation we were having about last week’s discipline spanking.  Actually, I’ve been in deep thought about it ever since.  I know I was wrong to fight him the way I did, and to have used the language I did was very out of character for me.  I’m ashamed of myself.  We don’t argue that way.  I had never done that before.  H has never done that with me….period.  The spanking was troubling to me on more than one level.  Physically, it felt harder and sharper than anything prior and was very difficult to take.  H started with the wooden spoon, my most hated implement.  To be fair, I want to say here that when H first told me a year or so ago (when we first got started in Dd) that his implement of choice for discipline spankings was the spoon, I did not object.  We’d both done enough reading in the blogs to learn that a discipline spanking needs to be harder and tougher than a maintenance spanking.  That was also back in the day when H was still grappling with how much force to use and how much time he should spend spanking me.  Many times he ended up going too easy on me.  In those days, I remember telling him that I thought I would need harsher punishments because they seemed to me very similar to maintenance spankings (which, at the time, were also rather mild).  Note to self — be careful what you ask for. 

Admittedly, I have quite a low threshold for pain.  Always have.  So much to the point that I’ve often wondered if pain (considering it’s the same ailment, injury, or what have you) feels the same to everyone and some people simply handle or tolerate it better than others, or does it actually FEEL harsher and more acute to some?  Case in point — When I had my first baby many moons ago, I was admitted to the hospital shortly after my water broke.  I was only 1cm dilated, but in those days, they wanted you admitted right away to decrease the risk of infection.  My daughter was born 12 hours later.  I handled the contractions OK until I reached between 4 and 5 centimeters.  It was definitely getting tough.  I asked for an epidural, but my doctor could not be located (someone say “Panic!”).  I was told they were trying to reach him for quite some time.  Meantime, as women who have been in labor know, my cervix continued to dilate further, and as I reached 7 – 8 centimeters I was almost out of my mind with the pain.  I was screaming uncontrollably.  It felt like someone took a crow bar and was racking it back and forth, left to right, inside my pelvis.  Still no sign of my doctor.  The woman in the bed next to me (I was actually sharing a labor room with another mother-to-be), was in definite pain and discomfort, but all I heard from her side of the room was her saying, “Oh, Oh” and saying her husband’s name a few times.  She grunted and moaned, but nothing beyond that.  Enter her doctor.  I could hear him (between my screams) asking her if she would like an epidural.  She was reluctant.  He told her that it was OK to have this help with the pain, that it wasn’t a contest or anything, so she should allow herself some relief if she really wanted it.  I couldn’t believe that he was trying to talk her into taking an epidural!  Needless to say, I was begging for one.  Soon after, someone came to me and told me that my roommate’s doctor had authorized an epidural for me (I later learned that he was the chief of obstetrics).  I could have kissed his feet (3 guesses who delivered my second child!)  I was given the epidural at 9 centimeters.  I know, I know, many would say, “Only 1 centimeter to go — too bad you didn’t hold off.”  What I experienced was INSTANT relief.  My pain subsided and then disappeared.  My doctor showed up (he’d been out golfing — don’t get me started) just as I was being wheeled into delivery, and I was able to push my baby out without the use of forceps.  I have never understood to this day how it was that my roommate did not seem to be in the same state of pain as I was.  Did her labor feel the same to her as mine did to me?  A mystery for sure.

Anyway, back to the spanking.  Emotionally, I was in turmoil.  My whole being was like a ball of fire.  I was so upset with H for his inconsistency that  allowed us to get to this point.  I had reached a level of rebelliousness and resentment, and it was a fury inside of me. 

The first several strikes with the spoon were not all that forceful, yet they felt terribly sharp.   My bottom stung so badly right away, to the point where I raised my head, put my hand back on his arm, and said, “Wait a minute.  I don’t think I can do this.”  H said, “You know this is what we talked about and agreed upon.”  He told me to put my hand back where it belonged or the spanking would be longer.  I thought about it for a moment and did as I was told.  He continued.  I truly felt I couldn’t take it and asked (actually, I was screaming) if he would just use his hand.  (H doesn’t always use the spoon and there have been several discipline spankings where he used only his hand).  I was so mad at him!  This doesn’t really make much sense to me, but I think I thought my only line of defense was some offense.  I thought if I screamed nasty things at him it would help me tolerate the pain.  Plus, I was really mad at him and still blaming him for the spanking.  He had to yell at me in order for me to hear him.  He said he could not believe how insolent I was being.  I was begging for him to stop.  Finally, he did.  But he did not tell me I could get up, so I just continued to lay across his lap for about 10 minutes.  Neither of us said anything.  I asked him if we were done and he said “yes”.  I got up slowly.  He did not pull me to him or offer any comfort.  (He usually does after a discipline spanking, but not this time.)   That was fine with me because I wasn’t in the mood for any.  I went upstairs (we were in the basement) to bed.  H went out into the backyard and made a fire in the firepit.  At some point he came to bed.

The next morning when I awoke he was out in the kitchen making pancakes and serving the kids.  I got ready for the day and soon we were heading out the door to take the kids to some events.  H reached for my hand in the car the way he always does.  Although not enthusiastic, I didn’t resist.  One of our stops was a walk along the lake, and again, as is his custom, he reached for my hand and held it in his.  I was secretly glad that he still did this.  Slowly as the day went on I was aware that I was starting to feel better emotionally.  My head was still swirling with confusion and questions, but my inner being was becoming settled.  The day went on, and when the kids went to bed, we talked.  I asked H if he felt he used more force than he had before and he said he didn’t feel he did.  He said that he thought a couple of other past spankings had indeed been harder.  I said it didn’t feel that way to me.  Of course, the fact that I had not been getting consistent maintenance spankings contributed to my bottom not being as durable as it had been.  I asked him if he felt I deserved the spanking he gave me, and he said, “Yes.”  I asked him if he felt he was in control the entire time, to which he answered, “Yes”, as well.  We talked about his not offering comfort and forgiveness afterward.  He said he thought about it, but he felt I was not open to it.  He was right.  Should he have insisted?  I’m not sure.  I have since apologized and asked for his forgiveness, and he readily and lovingly assured me I had it.

My H is very sincere and genuine.  My trust in him is implicit and he has never lied to me, so I knew he did not answer arrogantly or defensively.  That is not in him.  He is the most honest and fair-minded person I know.  We talked some more and then we made love.  My feelings were still conflicted.  I’ve had some discipline spankings that were not nearly as painful as this one, depending on the infraction.  On the one hand, the fact that he felt he had done what he needed to do and, while he never likes to punish me, he felt my insolence and resistance warranted the discipline he gave — this made me feel better.  I felt safe and cared for.  On the other hand, I was still struggling with what I felt about the whole thing.  Did I think he was too harsh?  That night I asked him if he felt the punishment fit the crime.  He said “Yes.”  I guess I just continued to need reassurance that he was unwavering in how he felt he handled the whole thing.  This brought me a measure of comfort.  I continued to think about it all and ask myself if I was OK with the way he handled the spanking.  We talked again the next night.  I told him I wasn’t trying to harp on the issue but that, as the days went on, there was still some more understanding I needed.  I asked him to tell me again why it was he felt I needed the level of discipline he gave me.  He said this:

“You were very disrespectful.  If you had just let it happen, it would not have had to go on as long as it did.  I said (without a hint of defensiveness) that I do not know how to do that when I am in that much pain.  Couldn’t he understand?  I said I knew I was wrong to call him the names I did, and I was sorry I did, but that in some odd way I thought it was helping me.  How could he think I could just lay there and take it?  He answered me softly and patiently.  “It’s one thing if you had just put your hand back there to try to block the spanking, or kicked your legs, even — I can understand that.  But you were so insolent and fired up.  If you had just let it happen, it wouldn’t have had to go on as long as it did.”

Let it happen.  Let it happen?  I don’t know how to do that when the spanking is so painful.  Although I yell a lot (even when not using bad language), I almost never cry.  I have often wondered about that.  Some women talk about subspace and a blissful state of submissiveness they reach.  That is so foreign to me.  With me, I find the lessons from the spankings, along with my submission, come to me later on — sometimes the next day or so.  Am I a slow learner — or do I just learn differently?

H and I are back on the right track, but oh what it took to get here.  I don’t ever want a repeat of that lesson.

By the way, I forgot to mention that after giving it considerable thought, H decided to remove the wooden spoon from his bag of implements.  He does not want me to be in that state of fear.  Besides, as he reminded me, there are plenty of other implements to choose from.  * GULP *